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~ Will's Lament ~

I woke up different, and by different I mean naked, why am I naked? I never sleep naked. I open my eyes and also realize that I'm sleeping naked in an unfamiliar bedroom. I then turn on my side and... uh oh. A green woman is curled up next to me sounds asleep, I try to scoot away from her, but bump into something soft and fuzzy, I look behind me and see a bat-woman curled up on the other side of me! I curse the day I accidentally drank the Hyde formula. I was saving myself for someone special and my dark side had to ruin that for me. Well seeing as I don't share his memories of it I guess I still count as a virgin... I just hope to God these two... 'women of the night' didn't have anything catchy. I slowly slide my legs up to my torso and slide the covers off of them. Then I hoist my leg over the green girl, I couldn't risk getting over the curvy bat girl and accidentally falling on her. So here I am, naked as a jaybird, creeping over one side of the bed trying not to wake the participants, suddenly the green girl stirs. I freeze in my tracks as she rolls over.

I wait a minute or two before having my toes touch the floor and then my whole foot, then the same on the other. I look around the floor for any clothing that may be mine, I catch a glimpse at myself in the mirror when I spot my pants flung over the vanity. Damn, I had scratch and bitemarks all over me! I grab my pants and slowly start to slide them on. Suddenly the phone on the dresser rings, I hear the bat girl roll over and say "Hrngg... Poison get the phone..." as I hear the green girl get up I jump out the open window. Thankfully I landed on an exetremely painful metal fire escape platform. I overhear half of the conversation on the phone.

"Mrrgh... what? Yes? This is Poison. Yes? No I don't need a damned Bio-exorcist! Stop calling me Beetlej..."

"Poison! No!"

"Oh damn, I almost forgot. Thanks Clairisse... and as for YOU, Bug-breath, Stop calling!"


"I wonder where Sid went off to?"

"Maybe he had more 'unfinished business' uptown."

"I hope he comes back and finishes business here."

"Mmm... me too."

A shudder runs down my spine at the thought, not that I'm afraid of doing it with them, they are gorgeous ladies, but I'm taken. That and I'd just like to have control over what I was doing. I shimmy my pants all the way up and then slide down the ladder. When I'm on the ground I zip them up the rest of the waaaAAAGH... ow... this is why I put boxers on before pants... I limp behind a dumpster and readjust everything before walking out of the alley. I needed to call Emily, but I searched my pockets for my cell phone, my wallet, anything besides lint, but all I came up with was, you guessed it, lint. I guess I left everything up in the bedroom. I'll go for it later, just as soon as I figure out where the hell I am. Suddenly I hear the honk of a car, I spin around to see a limo on the street. The back window rolls down and I hear a deep melodious voice say "Looks like you're lost, need a lift?" I try to look in the car but only see the silhouette of the man's legs crossed and a small red light from a long cigarette holder. "Erm... thanks?" I say as the car door opens.

As I get in I hear the guy pop a cork and then start pouring something in a glass. He then extends his hand and offers me a drink. "Martini?" I can't help but get a bad vibe from the tone of his voice, not like a 'this is a bad idea' vibe, more like a 'He slipped a something in the drink' vibe. I decline his offer and he retracts his purple robed arm and shrugs his shoulders. "Suit yourself, more for me." the guy then down the whole thing in a slurp.

"So, how did you get lost?"

"Erm... I don't know, I can't remember."

"Hmm... I can see why you declined the drink."

He then started to laugh, it was a very low malevolent laugh... I've heard that before."

"A-are you any relation to a devil named Lucious?"

"Lucious? Why yes I am, I'm his younger brother... I'm the handsomest"

He then leans over his grinning red face in full view. A tiny bowler hat floating just above his bald head in between his huge bull horns. "Wouldn't you say I was the handsomest?" he smirks I don't answer, I'm a little scared of any devil that's 2 feet in front of me, especially if they're in relation to Lucious. "You don't have to answer, I know I am." he laughs again and flicks his cigarette out the window then closes it again. Then he knocks on the back of his seat and I feel the limo stop and then back up. I look out a window and see we're now in another alleyway. My "bad vibe" turned into "rape vibe" right away and I reached for the limo door. To my horror there was no door handle. "I had this limousine customized for my dates, they usually try to run as soon as the car parks." he starts laughing as he unties his houserobe. I was bracing myself against the seat. He then looked at me like a fat kid looks at a cupcake and said "lets get to an arrangement shall we?" I sat as far away from him as I could and ask "Is that code for who gets to be the receiving end?" he then laughs hysterically and opens a small compartment in the arm of his seat. "Oh no silly, Allow me to be frank with you. My skin is drying up, I'll let you out of the car after you apply lotion on me..."

He gets out a small purple bottle and licks his lips at me. Being in this situation brings new meaning to the word vomit. "Oh don't be such a drama queen, you just have to do my torso." his reassurance still didn't make me feel very keen to the job, but if he lets me out of the car so be it. I yoink the bottle of lotion from his hand. He turns around and points at his back with his tail and says "Just start at the top and work your way down... and do it slow... I want it to seep in evenly." I can hear his perverted chuckles as I start rubbing the lotion in between my hands for preparation. I can't help but think I would have rather stayed in bed today with those two girls. I start at his shoulders rubbing them up and down rolling my hands around his shoulderblades a few times. "Mmm... oooh.... you've done this before haven't you? Ever thought of doing it for money? I have a spa you could work at..." he mutters blissfully. I shudder at the thought of working in a "happy ending" spa business and keep going, trying to hurry, but not trying to stay in one place very long.

Suddenly there was a knock on the limo door and it opened. Was I saved? To my horror I saw a familiar pair of long tuxedo legs and a deep spanish voice attatched to them said "What are you doing in this alleyway Eugene?" I knew this would be my only chance to get help, even if it was from the devil, so I took a deep breath and was about to call out for help but Zaebos clasped his hand over my mouth and replied "Oh, nothing brother, and stop calling me Eugene." the tall devil leaned down and looked inside the limo. I stopped struggling when his eyes met mine and I tried to do sign language to tell him "Help me!" Bad Touch! Bad Touch!" but it looked more like my arms were going into a flailing spasm. The Spanish devil looked at Zaebos coldly with his big black eye sockets with glowing blue lights in them and then said "I'll repeat my last statement, what are you doing Eugene?" Zaebos rolled his eyes and let go of my mouth, I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and started to run, but I was held back by these ridiculously long fingers grasping my shoulder. "Eugene, we talked about this, I gave you permission to build a spa so you wouldn't have to trick people into giving you a full body massage." Lucious said in a very stern tone. "But it's soooo boring in there brother, I know everyone hired there already!" Zaebos wined. Lucious used his other hand and twirled his brothers small mustache, then painfully yanked the left part of it off. "No more limo massages, or it'll be your horns next, Eugene." Lucious glared at him. Zaebos took one look at the bare part of his upper lip and nodded. Lucious then walked me out of the alleyway to his own limo.

"T-thanks for s-sav..."

"Don't think this is an act of friendship, you and your little payaso aren't off the hook for making my little chica cry."

"Oh... a-alright then."

"What the hell are you doing out here with nothing but a pair of pants on anyway?"

"It's a long story."

"Don't spare us the details, we need something to talk about at our cocktail party."

"Us? Cocktail party?"

"Yes, me and my wife were going to a party and I recognized the limo in the alleyway."

"Oh... still, thanks for that."

"No problemo, now get in, and don't gawk at my wife for too long, she's... impressionable."

When I got in the limo I looked down and my eyes met with a pair of gorgeous legs as I looked up I saw a short red dress, underneath that was a muscular abdomen, a very large rack, and above that were sculpted shoulders a long neck with a diamond choker, long raven black hair, a smiling pair of red lips, rosy cheeks, a slightly upturned nose, and a pair of very red succubus eyes. I averted my eyes in fear of what Lucious might do if I looked too long, I saw out the corner of my eye she leaned over and then with two fingers with long black manicured nails she gently moved my head back into the gaze of her eyes and smiled rather slyly. I gulped. Without taking her eyes off me she said "So, is this poor little shirtless thing going to join us at the party?" Lucious adjusted his seating arrangements when he got in and replied "No, just some poor pendejo I saved from the grasp of my brother." She frowned and uttered "Pity, I was looking forward to seeing more of him." I felt a large amount of pressure in the cab, I can't help but think it feels kind of nice. She then took my hand and shook it very firmly and said "My name is Asmodeus, but you can call me Azzie for short sweetie." she winked at me, I think my heart skipped a beat. "I'm William, but a lot of people call me Will..." I tried so hard not to stammer.

After introductions were made I told them the story of this morning, Azzie was enthralled by the story, Lucious looked a bit concerned, but I think that's just his normal way of looking at things. Eventually the limo stopped and they let me out back at HQ. I waved goodbye, Lucious started rolling up the window, I think I saw his wife blow a kiss my way. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, now I just have to go in and tell everyone else about my crazy morning, I think I'll leave the Zaebos part out though.
Wow, what a series of unfortunate/fortunate events. :XD:

Part-Time Paranormal Private Eyes (c) :iconspiketheklown: & :icongroovy-gecko:
Poison, Clarisse, & Emily (c) :icongroovy-gecko:
Will, Zaebos, Lucious, Asmodeus, & Spike (c) :iconspiketheklown:
Beetlejuice (c) :icontimburtonplz:
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13foxywolf666 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That part about the zipper hurt me, and I'm female! >.O

Oh Eugene, must you resort to trickery for random massages? You could just as easily pay for them. :P

Azzie and Lucious... :iconpervplz: Guess who wants in that limo! Very entertaining story! :D
SpiketheKlown Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks :giggle: yeah I had one of those zipper trouble moments in real life :X not a pleasant experience.
13foxywolf666 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome. :) I think it happens to every guy at some point unless he never wears zippered pants. Still, not fun!
SpiketheKlown Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah :XD:
Groovy-Gecko Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   General Artist
:rofl: This...this was just genius!! I pity you so much!
I laughed when Beetlejuice called my girls. And when Zaebos came in, I though UH-OH but equally I thought YAY! :D
Me love this! :iconlawooplz:
SpiketheKlown Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:XD: I'm glad you loved it, and yeah, I feel some pity for myself, but not much :P
Groovy-Gecko Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   General Artist
:giggle: You got off with Poison and Clarisse!! That's a good thing! Though the incident with Zaebos? That's more of a good thing for me...:P
SpiketheKlown Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle: When you put it like that I had a great day, too bad I can't remember the getting off part :XD: I'd do it from Sid's point of view but I'd have to label the story as mildly pornographic.
Groovy-Gecko Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   General Artist
:lmao: Fair enough.

Poison, Clarisse: DO IT. :horny:
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